Careless and Reckless — Epilogue

*Unknown POV*

Just as the clock strikes one she emerges through the squeaky double doors. She looks so alive, the happiest I've ever seen her, seemingly never not donning a wide smile; bright and joyous, her laughs ringing through the air like melodic bells.

I sigh as I stab the unappetising chicken with my fork, people babbling around me, enjoying having a break between classes. I can't concentrate on their words though, only able to look at the girl who has captivated me for many years as she flicks a strand of her brunette hair from her face.

She doesn't even glance in my direction as she walks across the room to her table and I'm not sure whether to feel hurt or relieved by that.

However, I know I don't have the right to be upset so I choose the latter, sighing out a strained breath as she sits down, immediately leaning her head on his shoulder and chatting animatedly.

I must come across very creepy, watching her, but it's almost impossible to look away. After a few moments, I turn my head with a frown and talk to my friends to distract myself but I can't help my eyes wandering back to her every so often.

~*~*~

The next day I do the same again. It's been this way for months now but having him next to her is a new addition. I heard that they started dating recently and I guess that's why she's so happy.

Did I ever make her feel like that?

I hope I did but that doesn't matter anymore because I threw it all away. I lost the centre of my world and it's completely my fault.

I sullenly twirl the spaghetti around my fork, rhythmically drumming my fingers on the table as I do.

I hurt her and now she's hurting me without even realising. I deserve this and I know that. What I did was wrong and it's only right that I pay for my actions but damn does this hurt, a nagging ache in my chest, a vice gripe clamping around my heart getting tighter and tighter.

I wish that I could take it all back, reverse time so she'd be mine again but I can't. I've lost her for good.

If I'd only told her the truth none of this would've happened; she'd be laughing, hand intertwined with mine, not his. She'd be whispering into my ear softly, not his and goosebumps would raise on my skin, not his.

But I couldn't. I was too cowardly to admit what happened, instead, I pushed her away and forced her out of my life. I'm still not over what happened but I realise now that it might've actually been easier if she was by my side. I could've dealt with this with her but, no, I just had to run away and ruin everything.

I know she would've stuck by my side and helped me through this but, I guess, I couldn't let her, or anyone for that matter, see me so vulnerable.

I was too selfish.

I drove her away.

When I saw her on the first day of the new school year, I knew I couldn't tell her what had happened. At the time, I pretended it was so she wouldn't get worried over me but deep down I know it was for my own selfish intentions and in protecting myself I hurt her even more.

I heard about how much she cried over me and that destroyed me beyond words. I never wanted that and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for hurting the girl that I still love.

What made it even worse was when I kissed Chloe right in front of her. She found out about what had happened over summer somehow and threatened to tell everyone what happened if I didn't go out with her. She'd wanted to date me for a while, seeing as I was the football captain and she was the cheerleading one but I'd always been smitten by my princess and over the years this irked her more and more.

As far as I know, Chloe laid off her after not so long, seeing as she wouldn't give in to her torment, but I know that it must've hurt her more than anything because I kissed the girl who used to bully her because of me, add that to the list of things I can't ever forgive myself for.

When it happened, I saw her run out of the canteen, crying. I wanted so desperately to run after her but I couldn't because I'm still a selfish coward.

When I finally managed to break things off with Chloe it was too late. I tried to get her back. I even almost told her what had happened but I couldn't. It didn't matter though because she was much too angry to listen to me so anything I had tried to say had fallen on deaf ears anyway.

That's when I knew I had truly lost her. I had fucked up, big time.

I tried to approach her several times after that but every time I chickened out. I knew the only way I'd have a slight chance of getting her back was to tell her what happened but I just couldn't.

Every time I so much as thought about it, I had flashbacks to that night, my living nightmare. In the beginning, I would even freeze up whenever I saw a blonde head of hair, I was broken and I couldn't tell anyone, not even her.

I wanted to desperately but my mind wouldn't let me and, to this day, I've never been able to tell a soul.

(!!!Warning, this flashback contains mature and possibly triggering themes so read with caution!!!)

FLASHBACK

It was summer break and my girlfriend was on holiday with her family so, instead of staying at home bored out of my mind, I went to Jake Holland's party that he was throwing later that evening.

He was a good mate of mine, both of us on the football team and he always threw wild parties, just what I needed to escape these walls of utter boredom.

The night started off great. I had a couple of drinks and had a laugh with my friends. I wished my princess was here because she always made things so much better, always brightening my world, but I had to manage without her.

She'd been sending me pictures every day, telling me about how much she was enjoying Barcelona and all the culture there. I was glad she was happy even if I couldn't be there with her but I knew it was stupid to sulk around just because she wasn't here, so I'd put my phone away for the night, ready to enjoy myself.

Things got a little hazy as the night went on. I drank a fair amount but I was no lightweight so it was fine. I had had a blast as I danced to the deafening music and let all matters leave my mind. As time went on, I started to feel dizzy which was odd. I knew I hadn't drunk enough for that to happen but decided to put my vodka down anyway, just in case.

The loud music was starting to pain my ears so I pushed passed the countless sweaty bodies to go upstairs and get some peace and quiet, away from all the noise to help prevent my oncoming headache.

My movements became sluggish as I walked up the stairs and into Jake's guest bedroom but I shook off the thought and decided to lie down. I was sure I'd be fine in a few hours so I closed my eyes, letting darkness consume my vision.

I didn't wake up when the door to the guest room creaked open, only when I felt cold fingertips on my skin did I force my eyes open. My vision was blurry and I couldn't make out who the other figure in the room was but I was sure it was a girl.

She slowly got onto the bed and swung her left leg over my hips so she was straddling me. I tried to push her off, getting worried about where this was going but I couldn't move my arms, they were like dead weights, limp by my sides.

She ran her manicured fingers up my chest, pushing my top upwards in the process. My eyes went wide as I thrashed about, doing my best to shake her off but she wouldn't budge, seeing as I could barely move my limbs.

"No! No!" I tried to shout but my voice came out slurred.

She tilted her head downwards and put her finger to my lips, her long blonde hair scratching my face. "Shhhhhh," she said in a low voice, almost growling. "I know you want this, just let it happen."

I shook my head furiously or at least tried to. My breathing was heavy and laboured as she ripped my shirt from my body, her eyes hungry.

They were a cold brown colour and something about them seemed eerily familiar but with my vision fogged over and the minimal lighting in the dark room, I couldn't place them.

I couldn't do anything. My body wouldn't move and my mind was going numb and by this point, I knew I had been drugged so any attempt to escape was futile.

She left wet 'kisses' down my chest until she reached my jeans and I could feel the tears in my eyes as she unbuttoned them and slid them down my thighs, leaving me in my boxers.

'Please, stop,' I begged with my eyes but she ignored me, her blonde hair obscuring her face from my view as she tore my last hope of modesty away.

By this point, the tears were burning as they ran down my cheeks in a never-ending waterfall, knowing all hope was lost.

It was over.

She peeled away her own clothing, revealing her naked body to me but I couldn't bear to look at it as she carried on with her mission, making my very being crumble away until there was nothing left but a pile of damaged fragments.

It felt like hours had passed before she left, leaving me stark naked in Jake's guest room and strutting away like nothing ever happened. Throughout the whole nightmare, my tears never stopped falling as I watched what was happening to me in horror, completely helpless and at her mercy.

When I finally began to regain control of my limbs, I rolled into a ball and clutched the bedsheets tightly around myself, wishing my princess was here to hold me forever but also internally flinching at the idea of anyone, even her, touching me ever again.

The dreaded memories flooded my mind and I couldn't help the tremors that went down my spine. I still don't know who did that to me but because of what happened I couldn't bear to be around my princess any longer. The idea of anyone getting close to me made me want to vomit.

The only way I could think to escape everyone was to lie and tell her the farthest things from the truth. I had to hurt her beyond everything because I just couldn't stand to be near her or girls in general anymore. Whenever any were near I would flinch and back away, the memories still fresh and painful.

That was wrong and I wish I'd dealt with it differently but it's much too late for that.

She would've understood and given me the space I needed to heal and although I doubt I'll ever be able to fully move on, I'm at a point where her touch would be fine, helpful even.

Sadly, things just didn't go right and I lost her completely of my own accord but, in a way, I guess I'm glad I did. It wouldn't have been fair to place that heavy emotional burden on her. I'd be hurting her more by doing that, flinching away whenever she got too close. I can only imagine the hurt that would've brought her.

Besides, she looks happy now, more so than I've ever seen before.

He makes her happier than I ever could've and, as much as it pains me, that's okay. I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

If you love someone you have to let them go and after she forgave me for the lies I spewed her way, I knew that I had to move on, or at least leave her be. So even though I lost the love of my life, it's alright because she's happy now and that's all that matters.

I watch as he brushes some hair from her face with his fingers and she blushes, a dazzling grin on her face. Her friend then whispers something into her ear and she gasps before hitting him on the arm lightly and throwing a piece of broccoli at him. He laughs and throws a carrot right back.

There's a daring glint in her eyes as she flings her mash potato at him and their whole table breaks out into a food fight, followed closely by everyone in the room.

She laughs, dodging a pasta pot that is thrown her way, elated and carefree. Looking at her now, it's so obvious and I don't see how anyone could think differently because she's definitely not boring, not in the slightest.

THE END